Hey everyone! A
little update long-ass update to let you all know where I am! Before you read – please note that I didn’t proofread any of this so don’t judge
First of all, I’ve been insanely busy with work, so it’s been a little more difficult for me to update.
Second of all, I have a recipe for a Paleo Calzone that is 95% completed, that I’ll be sure to post ASAP!
Let’s take this in three steps: Fitness, Food, and Health/Well-Being.
Yesterday I completed Density Training #2. Honestly, I was glad to get it over the first day of the week . Especially when I saw those Alternating Jump Lunges on the menu. For all the bitchin and moaning that was going on in my head, it really wasn’t that bad of a workout. It was great, in fact!
Today was just a good ol’ Dynamic Training. In general, these trainings are just so much easier to follow than the others. There’s nothing to worry about other than completing a certain number of reps – you don’t have the added stress of working against a clock or timing the cadence of your lifts. This workout was structured well, too – there were three circuits overall: Circuit A (4 exercises), which was completed 3 times, Circuit B (4 exercises), which was completed 1 time, and Circuit C (3 exercises), which was also completed 3 times. I know, it doesn’t sound particularly interesting, but the variety was a good change.
In spite of some nutritional/health setbacks (to be discussed), the musculature of my body is really changing. I know, again, it sounds very premature to say this. But I am definitely more solid throughout. My hamstrings and glutes are becoming really defined, as is my upper body. And my core is more solid than it has ever been, which I attribute almost exclusively to stomach vacuums.
I’ve been trying hard to stick to my own dietary program, but this week has already been a huge struggle. I (again) learned my lesson to NOT HAVE ALMOND BUTTER IN THE HOUSE. I went through an extremely traumatic issue on Sunday and Monday that was probably one of the most uncomfortable and difficult things I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. And being your poster child for emotional eating, there I sat on the kitchen counter, shaking like a leaf, with a jar of Almond Butter in one hand and a spoon in the other.
Honestly, I could have done worse to myself. The only problem with ridding the pantry of everything but “healthy” foods is that the only I could grab to eat was something so calorie dense I easily consumed all of my weekly calorie budget in a matter of a half an hour. I truly feel like I can’t beat myself up for it though, there are some things in life that you just deal with as they come. The issue is done and over now, it won’t be cropping up again, so I can breathe a sigh of relief and just get on with my life.
Today was a different case – this one I am taking full blame upon myself .
Combined with everything else, I’m having a really difficult time this week with the Paleo diet. Some days I just really, really, really don’t want to eat meat. I would seriously kill for a bowl of oatmeal.
Has anyone ever felt like that?
I think I just get so fed up and satiated with all of it – with planning meals, with reading the forums, with everything – that I would rather eat the bottom of a shoe than another serving of soup or chicken and broccoli. It’s enough to make me nauseous.
So today I had a bowl of quinoa for lunch, with some banana mashed in it. I did this thinking that it wouldn’t be too bad…but WHOMP WHOMP, I was wrong. I gots that pregnant-at-nine-months belly going on now. Even hours after eating it. I know this can sometimes be stressful, and sometimes I don’t want to eat and feel a ton of pressure to stay on track and eat something I’d rather not…but I really have to start listening to my body and common sense. I don’t care what the fuck I’ve written down for the day ahead of me: if I decide at 12 pm that I would rather walk barefoot through hot coals than eat another bowl of soup, then I’m going to have some bacon. Or a protein shake. Can you tell I’m a little fed up with this ?
I think I’m having a hard time for two other reasons as well:
1) The intensity of my workouts is making me hungrier than since I can last remember and than I’ve been expecting.
2) I’m also having a hard time with fasting recently. Some days I just really miss breakfast. I think this is a small blip in my radar, and will probably go back to just getting hungry around 12-1 PM in a couple days.
So overall, for the past 3-4 days I’d give my Fitness a 10/10, and my Nutrition a 3/10.
Tomorrow is a new day, though. Hopefully I’ll have my appetite for soup back then .
So as I’ve said before, I’m feeling much more “solid” than I have been in the past few months…or years…or ever. This is very exciting to me!
What is not exciting, however, is my inability to lose weight.
I have been “dieting” – IE, eating healthy, unprocessed foods, for about a year. And using food scales, measurements, and food diaries. Though I’ve gone through periods where I’ve tried different calorie levels, I know my limits of what I
I know I’ve had slip ups. And I don’t underestimate the caloric devestation of things like Almond Butter. But more than 90% of the time or more, I am eating clean diet with a calorie deficit, a surplus of good fats, and little to no nuts, fruits, or dairy (no dairy at all).
But, for the life of me, sometimes I just feel like I cannot lose these last 10 lbs.
I get so frustrated and fed up when I see people on Bodybuilder.com who are have the ability to change their lives in a matter of weeks, or do Body for Life and just look amazing, or the people in the Primal Diet forum who so seamlessly lose weight and cure their bodies and have all the energy in the universe.
This is a real bummer statement, but it’s gotten to a point where all of the forum posts and the success stories are upsetting me rather than inspiring me. So that (along with the fact that some of these forum posts are just pissing me off, to tell you the truth) is a reason why I’m stepping back from the MDA forums for a bit.
With the amount of work I’ve put into diet and exercise over the past year, I honestly, honestly feel that I should look how I want to look by now. And I should feel great.
Sooo it’s probably time that I finally address, both here and to myself, the fact that I have some serious underlying health issues that simply “going Primal” has yet to remedy.
It goes without saying that I have some really bad hormonal problems. I still highly suspect that I have Endometriosis (my idiot Gyno refused to test me for it), and I am controlling a mild case of PCOS with hormonal birth control pills. Please don’t read me the riot act about this. I know it’s essentially poison to my body and it’s probably a huge hindrance to my success, but I’m taking it until I can figure out what I can possibly do next. So hello estrogen and insulin imbalances – I have some big issues. That’s one of the reasons I’m so excited about Final Phase Fat Loss!
Something I haven’t talked about yet on here…and something I really don’t want to discuss, to be honest – is the fact that I have a serious digestive disease/disorder that has been plaguing me since I was in grade school. And I guess what I was kind of thinking was….well, I’ve lived my life like this for more than a decade, I’ll just get in great shape and still be sick. I’ll look freakin sweet, but still be sick.
If this sounds crazy to you, you must understand that this is the mindset of a chronically ill person who has “never felt well” their entire life. It’s not like I put my health on the backburner. It’s the fact that when you’ve been to every doctor, naturopath, and clinic with no results and tried every medication, over the counter drug, and naturopathic remedy since the third or fourth grade – all with no results, there’s a point where you’re 24 years old and you just say “fuck it”.
That being said, I have an appointment with a really good gastroenterologist, so I’m really hoping I can finally get a diagnosis of what’s been wrong with me for so long. I put so much energy and effort into eating good food, and it just makes me want to cry when I know for a fact that I’m not digesting anything or getting any nutrients. I swear to God I’m the only person I know or have read about that is malnourished but carrying extra weight. With the number of things wrong with my digestive tract I’m surprised I’m not skinny as a rail .
Why am I sharing all of this? Honestly I don’t want to. This is my personal business, and obviously I don’t want to start a discussion about my digestive health. No person in their right mind would :p. So please don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not asking for anyone’s pity or advice. I feel uncomfortable enough writing about this as it is .
I’m just trying to be honest with myself about what kind of progress I can attain with a broken body. And mainly…this is shameful…I want to put this out there so if I post pictures of myself after a month and I look exactly the same, you all don’t think I’m a big slacker . Because after all this hype and hooplah and daily schedules and food diaries and bullshit, it’s really difficult for me to not see any “physical” progress and put myself out there on the web as a “success story”.
Ok. TMI-laden post over. It’s a lot to take in – sorry folks. Damn – I never knew starting a blog would lead to all of this.
Tomorrow I’ll be back with my daily schedule, meals and such. And much more lighthearted, promise